You Look Like an Asshole: Casual Friday Fuck Ups 101

I am a big fan of casual Fridays. Give a professional gal one day a week for jeans and flats, please! I work hard. Let me look chic and RELAXED sometimes. I give you chic and pro-fessional every other day of the week.

I am not, however, a fan of other people's interpretation of casual Fridays. There's a gal in accounting whom I'll call Ethel. Ethel dresses in floral flour sacks during the week, but at least those flour sacks are appropriate for church. Loose fitting capris with a baggy tee and Tivas with socks are NOT OK FOR CHURCH. OR THE OFFICE. OR SITTING BY YOURSELF PETTING YOUR CAT. Your cat is embarrassed of you, trust me.

Then there's Casual Friday Sluts. You guys know the phrase, "there's no crying in baseball?" It was made popular after that Tom Hanks-Geena Davis gem, "A League of Their Own." If there's no crying in baseball, bitches, there is also NO CLEAVAGE AT WORK. A gal in my HR Department is the worst offender. She is a hard, cold, pretty unattractive bitch and yet wears spaghetti strap tanks that show tit and shoulder in the summer months. Please spare us, Jane! None of the sales guys are ready for that jelly.

Hush Up or Hang Up: Cell Phone Fuck Ups 101

I am the first to admit I talk loudly when on my cell phone. It's really not my fault. Not only are people used to me booming out dialogue like an extra selling newspapers in the back of an opera house, but I am usually speaking to people while driving my practical but no-frills-like-silencing Honda Fit.

When I purposefully quiet my voice when on my cell in public, individuals like my mother immediately have trouble hearing me. "I just walked into work, Mom," is met with: "WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, CATHERINE!!! ARE YOU IN YOUR CAR?!" Rather than accommodate her shamelessly, however, I'm proud to say that I walk completely away from all humanoids within a fifty foot radius before I raise my voice in response, OR when that option is impossible, I politely hang up.

If you are having a conversation in a public place in a normal tone of voice YOU ARE BOTHERING ME. And everyone else within earshot. You hos with gossip and drama are not entertaining us with your ex-boyfriend's shenanigans. You are making us picture someone cramming a ten pound hoagie in your irritating pie hole.

People who talk at cash registers need one response and one response only. Target, Wal-Mart and Dollar Store cashiers, I'M TALKING TO YOU: next time some tramp tries to make a purchase whilst talking to Bobbycakes on her cellular telephone, you pick up that loud speaker mic and say with moxie: "Manager to register number 10! I've got a dumb slut talking on her phone over here! Cellphone infraction, register 10!"

Then, if she does not hang up and snap to immediately, hold the loudspeaker mic limply while glaring at her with the heated hatred of 10 million suns. I guarantee you that I, along with everyone behind me, will want to sleep with you immediately. Ring us up and take your pick.