What am I doing wrong?

I cannot meet a single, straight man to save to my life.  Yet gay men and my MARRIED BOSSES can't keep their hands off me.  This fact seems unjust.  However, never the victim, I always strive to assess what exactly my behavior is bringing upon myself.  The gay men most likely love me because I am a dramatic, fun-loving alcoholic. 

The boss part was harder to figure out.  Until I started paying attention to married mens' gripes.  It turns out, all straight men really want is to be the center of your universe.  They want to feel important, and have everyone (especially hot chicks) demure to them.  When you're a CHICK working for a DUDE, you naturally uplift the dude, make him feel smart, and powerful, and generally awesome.  Then, generally speaking, when he gets home, his wife calls him out on the self-absorbed putz that he is.  The upshot is that single women in the workplace are besieged by inappropriate advances borne of these dumb males' perception that you idolize them. 

I've got a message for you, you married lech: I AM NOT INTO YOU.  I WORK FOR YOU and thus feel the need to placate you.  It's part of my job description to act like you are interesting and powerful.  In truth, I think you are fat and entitled and stupid.  In short, lick me.  This sentiment is NOT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY.  I merely want all of you to understand that you are far, FAR from the superhuman God you take yourself to be.  It's just that us mere peons know what a hard,cold job market it is out there.  So feel empowered if you must, but for God sake don't put the moves on your female employees.  They DO NOT WANT YOU.  TRUST ME.  Jack off to my image, put me on a pedestal, whatever.  Just don't, for the love of God, ACT ON IT.

And if you do, please know that I have saved all of the text messages that you have ever sent me.  Like I said, lick me.  Jackass.